5.25.21
a desire
These past few months have been so polarizing. I've been so happy and unhappy — it’s exhausting. I feel so grateful and genuinely love writing for other artists, but Ive been having so many secret thoughts that I have no ideas for my own music anymore. No desire for a new expression. I just don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to sound like. I don't even know what I want to say. I have no message, no North Star. Nothing. Dull. Depression soaked my fingertips and numbed them from the memory of what a pen feels like to pick up. I have no desire for anything, and love is a lie. It can be scary. And on the opposite end I’m so happy about creating with others, & for others. Making dope songs without having to think of my own art shit. It's a different therapy. It’s freeing cuz you don’t have to face yourself, and its rewarding because its an act of giving. I can have so many ideas for others, and be an empty well for myself. A seashell with no sound of the ocean in it. It’s nice to look at, but does it even breathe?
Between personal life and career and the collective world problems, how are we not all insane. Last time, when I had an "idea" I made SeVeN. It was so clear in my head. I KNEW what I wanted. KNOWING. WHAT A SUPERPOWER. Afropop R&B Latin with an emotional authentic feminine story. Full of confidence and energy. Boom! Did that... dopeee. so much work and love went into it, and I still love that album so much. Okay, cool, next. Wait, whats next? Is there like....a next? you usually got something. Nothing? it'll come... don't panic, you're fine... you're just going thru some shit...lots of shit...something will peak out of a hole in the ground... any day now... any. day. now...... wow, nothing yet?!-thats fine... its cool dude, you're so busy. I mean who has time to think about their own music? You're so busy. Oh god.....At least you're busy. Wait. Stay busy. Actually, lets get busier just in case.... wow okay you're like really busy... loving this.. woah, wait, are we planning on being busy for like... forever... hello? are you there?...hello!?!! okay, call the therapist...book a flight.
Touch down. Ahhh, Jamaica. Fuck. its gorgeous. So warm. I'm floating in water like a careless chubby sea lion. Thinking of nothing... or trying really hard to. Not looking at the calendar. Not thinking of song concepts. Not thinking of them, they, her, him, me, I, you. Letting go of words. Observing. Remembering the third eye. Being here. Feeling things. Getting in touch with senses. Stop thinking. You’re still thinking. Stop thinking. Feelllll....Okay, I’m feeling.... Okay but stop narrating that you’re feeling. Just feel. Right right okay okay. fuck.....this is hard.
Then, finally.....pockets of silence. Sensation. Presence. “Here-ness”. The thing that words can only point to. I got back from my trip and didn’t expect it. I was feeling like I was on a floaty. Not necessarily drowning in melancholy, but not shooting in the sky with rainbows and stardust coming out my asshole. Kind of just.... a decent float. A good float, dare I say. Then as slowly as a flower's pedals open in the morning—- A new feeling. Inspiration. Sounds. Voices. Opinions. An idea.... Which I have been avoiding "trying" to have. I never like to make shit that’s already being made. That's for the factories more so than a journey for the creator. But, it's also a miserable and nearly impossible task if your TRYING for imagination. Trying to believe in something. So anyways, this week I saw glimmers of light. I had a WANT. Wanting to do things. Wanting to sing things. Wanting to be an artist. Having ideas for different blends of genres. Wow. I remember why I love this feeling. What’s it called. Oh yeah. Hope. The opposite of dusty and stiff. The opposite of a dumb ass bitch!
I will say though, even writing this post is scary. Writing it down, I feel like I have this pressure to stay feeling inspired. Like what if the numb feeling comes back tomorrow and I wrote this whole thing and believed it? ugh. Anxiety is a big hairy beast wheezing over my sunburnt shoulder. I can feel his hot breath on my cheek. I hear the heaviness of his lungs crowding my ear drums. Jesus. he’s so sweaty. Gross. Anyways, he’s there’s that’s fine. Whatever i’ll deal with him. But when a lightening bolt of inspiration strikes, like a flash it's gone. Okay, listen carefully to the thunder. Loud and shameless. The echoes of a message. Follow the roar to that place. Start there. See where it goes. Maybe you’re back at zero, but at least you got off the couch. Or were you on a floaty? Yeah, it was a floaty. Yeah, the floaty is nice.... No no no no no, stop! You see a shoreline, so paddle god damn it!! Do something! Also, the hairy beast is probably gonna follow you. Talk to the therapist it’ll be fine. And for gods sake, try to trust yourself. It feels better than that lost feeling. The wandering dark blurry dry place. Remember that place?! yeah you hate that place!!! Look at all the drops of water. Oh joy! And when it rains it pours.... cheers to the days hydrated with a desire.
-k
1.23.21
Dreams & Death
Since I was little, I had secrets. Secret imaginary worlds. Escape doors in my own head where I could play freely from pain, apathy, boredom, neglect, shame, and loneliness. Doors that opened into other doors. Deeper in I'd go. An undiscovered life of fantasy. Even in my dreams, I still revisit imaginary worlds, full of secret stairs, and hidden hallways that lead to the the same beach, or the same penthouse apartment with a view of an ocean. Not far sits an island. More beautiful buildings and apartments sit on it. I'm not on Earth. Sometimes, I visit these places at night. When I do, and I realise I'm in the same dreamplace-I feel powerful. I'm alive inside the architecture of my own imagination. Anything is possible. I can breathe under diamond-blue water, fly over green valleys, and jump roofs. I'm all about parkour in my dreams.
But then, as swift as the firework of creativity bangs, so does the crash of loneliness set in. I realise as beautiful as I can dream it, no matter how many people I create from the sands of that beach, or from the sheets on that soft fluffy bed, I'm actually alone. Solo in my head. When I was a kid, music, singing, and poetry became my mental cookie jar. As I got older, drugs, alcohol, and people became my escape. I still seek escape from my feelings from time to time. Even knowing it's unhealthy aftershocks on the ability to have a life full of love, truth, happiness, and stability. An escapist I used to call myself. As I've gotten older, I've gained perspective and knowledge on the traumatic experiences that have brought me to my agility to escaping. Disassociating. Hiding. Taking a mental flight from unpleasant experiences. The superpower for survival.
I have more knowledge now, and I continue to unlock the steel safe that is me. A different inner journey than the ones I would take as a child, or as I do sometimes still in bed at night. A walk alone, with heavy feet towards truth. Facing the gushing winds of my own feelings as they blow me back. And with every gust of wind, a mask pushed off my face. I take another step. I try to keep it real. Less drugs, less hangovers, less sugar. It's not Pleasantville, and it's not quite as exciting as some Miami nights, but it's got legs. You don't get as high, but the good feelings can last.
Maybe, that's why I fear death so deeply. I used to think it was because I had such great lust for life! And I think that's still apart of it. Maybe not lust, but love for the good, compassion for the bad, and everything in between.
Death is my greatest teacher. An undefeated adversary. Even a well-seasoned mental escapist shivers. The opponent that shows me why life and presence is so sacred. It is simply because she exists. She is the existence of non-existence. And she has no other doors. She is one door. That to which I will never escape.
Death is coming, in the meantime, I'll let myself live.
-k
06.18.20
So, before I get into this new song, and how excited I am to finally be dropping it, I gotta say,
the worlds an even more intense place since we last spoke. I've already got some friends and family unfollowing me because of what I've been posting about recently. insane. Black Lives Matter, and as much as I have friends that I love that are cops, married to cops, in the words of SZA "still gotta defund that b" I personally am appreciating cities like San Francisco that are trying something NEW. Something that probably should have been a long time ago. I appreciate protestors in Seattle, taking over an entire area of downtown and putting there beliefs into practice. Minneapolis having the incredible task of not only abolishing the police, but rethinking the entire framework of their city. How to make it better for EVERYONE. How desperate we are as a country for MORE ACCESS TO MENTAL HEALTHCARE. This country has wounds, I wouldn't even say they're old. This is a couple generations back. My ancestors are not from me, shit my parents weren't even born here. I have friends who's families have been in this country for 400+ years, and they STILL would be more likely to get KILLED by a police officer today. in 2020. its not right. We need help. We need to help each other. I'm loving the protests, the looting is nothing to be judged. people are angry. We are in the midst of a pandemic, and people are jobless. Stuck at home, with no opportunity, or even a hope for a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. I can put out music from my crib. Im literally in bed rn writing this. Anyways, like I said who am I to judge the looters. thankfully, the looting has calmed down, and HONESTLY, I like to think its because we as the people have been herding ourselves. Communicating with each other, educating each other, spreading knowledge, keeping each other focused on the goal and what the message is! incredible how its been heard all over the world. Millions of people, showing up. For one another. its a beautiful thing. People are getting involved, reaching out to local council members, mayors, governors, voting. This is changing. And that Atlanta cop got booked. this is change. its a start. and its been working. I Went protesting, still no signs on the Rona. Phew....
Anyways, I needed to say something. Thats just how I feel... there's so much more to it. but I digress for now.
not to hit a sharp left on this blog but - Vale Na drops tonight and fuq im excitedddd... we were planning on dropping it a month ago, pushed back, then a couple weeks ago, and obviously, pushed back again...
but we're here. we made it. Shoutout to everyone who was a part of this record. Especially, my brother in law Agu Galvan (sorry my creative misspelled ur name in the credits 🥴) -- we started this song like over a year ago, wrote these verses, didn't even know what I would use it for -- had it in my head for months---- and months later im writing to this new song with Karen were calling Vale Na and we had no second verse. Then fast forward we wanna release music, and quarantine hits.... shooting the video was crazy. It was just director me and my bf.... and a broken mirror haha... then me editing the shit-- three different versions of the video... everyone likes a different version. craziness.... the final edit it 🔥 tho...
its been over 8 months since I dropped something last at this point. crazy how times been flying ( 2020 is on a rocket to the sun and we're all just holding on to our panties tight af )
So to all my die hards that have read this entire thing.... I will see you tonight 9pm PST on Youtube watching the debut of Vale Na!!!!! thank you guys so much for following me on this journey it means everything.
-K
🖤 🖤 🖤
05.19.20
it feels like an infection. first, no signs at all. Then, maybe a itchy throat. the most infamous itch of all the itches-- the only one you can't ever actually scratch--the sensation of skin beneath nail, and nail upon skin. the dig. sounds like sweet romance to my ears.... if I could shove my hand down my throat right now, I would. I'd scrape my insides till I reached my stomach.
I have an incredible itch, I can't scratch.
05.04.2020
I miss the beach. I miss brunch. I miss studios. I miss recording with people. I miss driving to actually go somewhere. (anyone else driving around town like its the new Molly?) Ive been noticing a lot of middle aged men just sitting in cars. I think they're hiding from their wife and kids. Or maybe they're doing Molly?
I'm dropping a song in two weeks. fuuuuuuqqqq. finally. I love the video.. showed it to my whole family. Fam approves. that's good. I think it made my mom uncomfortable cause she replied something like "Your voice is amazing...." haha she also said "awesome vibe" idk maybe she does like it.
a lot of mixed feelings this month. I feel like part of the country is bored of Corona, which is scary. Strict Quarantine ends May 15th in LA. Part of me is like happy, and part of me is anxious wtf...
I don't miss FOMO. I don't miss competitiveness. I don't miss driving to actually go somewhere.
drop some 🔥 on my last post if you're ready for new music :)))))
04.27.2020
Sitting at the desk in the living room facing some bugambilias. It's like 70 in LA right now. After my post last week, I took the week to get creative. I shot a visual for the Music Lives Concert, which was dope. My boyfriend directed it, and Maro played guitar/// We kept it super simple, but it came out dope! We played like three records acoustic off the new album at Maro’s studio. He was masked and gloved up, with tiny holes around is finger tips for playing (hahah) It's definitely a vibe and they let us keep the rights to video so i posted it! Yall should check it out. I do Mojada, Gangsta, and an unreleased song called Si Yo No Voy.
https://youtu.be/CNlP4b_nUXI
go peep.
Also- I started putting moods together with Cris my Creative Director… and we shot a whole music video-still social distancing. He came to the crib, masked and gloved up (haha) we kept apart, and shot everything around the spot. It's very personal, very homie, and sexy. I love it. The vibe was so chill too, shooting with just one person was a nice change. Haven't done that in a while. Been messing with Final Cut Pro a lot to edit all my own videos, I've been working on it all weekend and its looking pretty sick. I’m excited about it. Hows your monday???!!
04.20.2020
yesterday, I was looking through old photos. 2016…2017… watching old videos in the studio of when I was going to put out a EP with Jon Levine. Videos of how we were jamming songs out, making things that sounded different. 2016 I was going to put out an album with JROC…. I was doing disco shit then, timing wasn't right and now everyone’s on that wave.
there’s one song I ALWAYS wished we released, but we NEVER finished. So many songs never come out, if they don’t get heard are they dead? They always live with us, so maybe not.. The lyrics to the hook ended up being “I’m on these highways, straight to crashing into my grave.” It wasn’t depressing as it sounds. ACTUALLY- I'm lying, it was..… but now I feel maybe a lot of people are having the same thoughts as me. That makes me feel better, more at peace, more community.
sometimes, I want everyone to believe quarantine is forever, so it reflects in human actions. So we stop burning gas unnecessarily. So we stop chasing. So we create for the sake of creation itself. It’s like treating a lover the way you would without fear.
6 am: “Honestly, I’ll write a better album if you’re alive.” - to everyone that matters.
the search doesn’t seem as dark when I find direction. I appreciate the journey. Who knew quarantine would be a reflection of deep truth.… to quote Humphrey Bogart “I pretended to be the person I wanted to be until finally I became him or he became me.” Hope is what we live off of. It’s the silver lining that makes us care about tomorrow, look forward to it. There's room for growth there, or change. Often, they are one and the same. Whatever….. I’m inspired, I’m finding happiness here. I’m dropping some shit for you. And I am happy as fuck about it.
One last thing that has me stumped…The world tells you to stay inside, what’s your answer?
~~ comment on the latest pic ~~
*Disclaimer, I wasn't sober when I wrote this.
~~~~~~~ Kat
04.13.2020
Sitting in slowness. I can feel the earths rotation. And it won’t be too long till the fear creeps in. Scared to go back, scared to never get back. The manic way we were all used to living. The speed. Maybe, I dont want to anymore. I feel guilty for it sometimes. When I feel like I'm enjoying the nothingness.But rn, I dont feel left behind. it's nice. I can hear nature again. I walk thru my neighbourhood and I'm seeing things I’ve never noticed before. Its like I was always looking at a closed door. Looking with my head down. Strained necks.
Heavy presence feels light. Thank god. also-This new reality feels nostalgic. Sitting in a closet, listening to music, and writing. taking walks, nothing to do. I feel like a kid. A bored kid. Boredom breeds creativity.
04.06.2020
As I write this to you all, I lay in bed. Its 11:55 am. I just had soup, I can still hear my tummy rumble. I’ve never written a blog post, so how am I doin? I’m assuming most of you are going to be reading this from bed too, given the times. I was hoping around now, I would have my second video shoot done. I was planning on dropping three records, with three videos to lead up to my Album drop in my birthday month of July (shoutout my rubies). I was finalising mixes, and some mastering stuff, and working on treatments right before COVID-19 hit. Now, im home. All day. Enjoying my time, some days, and avoiding serious downward spirals of existential thoughts about life and purpose. I tried figuring out ways to shoot videos at the crib, and trying to put some type of visual to a song to drop for everyone, but it just doesn’t feel like the right time. Its also feels like id be doing it just to put something out, and that doesn’t feel right either. So, im sorry to all the fans that have been so patient waiting for more music this year. I was really excited to share the stories with you, but im going to push everything back. Just a couple months. For everyones safety, and for the sake of what this quarantine has started to become for me, and maybe you too. A time of reflection and connection to myself beyond the music. Even though, im connecting to music, and creativity in a way I haven’t in a while. feels like creating for pure entertainment, to coax the boredom. I feel like a kid again in that way. I’m living in a creative nostalgia that’s been therapeutic. With all that being said tho, I honestly, cant wait to share the music with you guys, just a little longer, I promise. Crazy times. Shoutout to G_H_O_S_T and Caroline for putting this blog together with me. Shoutout to the world for being in such a weird time together. May we all stay tuned.
